I never contemplated the possibility that my baby might die. Even when I'd been told about having obstetric cholestasis, it was under control. There was another couple of weeks before I was in the 'danger zone'. I was taking the medication and scheduled for induction at 37 weeks.
I was worried about having an actual baby to look after, I was getting really stressed that I hadn't packed my hospital bag yet and about how I didn't have a car seat so I wouldn't be able to get him home. I'd put off buying things cos I was overwhelmed about what to buy and was worried about spending too much money on stuff. I was worried about the pain of labour and if I'd be able to breastfeed. You can imagine the things I worried about but never at any point did not having a live baby.
Even at the point of being at the hospital, one midwife had been concerned about his heart rate, being whisked in for a scan and them saying that his heart didn't sound right. Even when I asked if I should phone my husband and get him in and they said yes. Being rushed down to labour ward. I did think that they'd be taking him out quick smart but that he'd be alive. I was really worried that he'd be ill, that he wasn't ready to be born, that he'd have to be in SCBU. My baby sister was born dead at 29 weeks and resuscitated and is a happy healthy 10 year old now. Babies don't just die. Otherwise healthy babies don't just die.
I feel naive, that I should have realised that he was dead. How can I have a dead person inside me and not know? How could I not realise that I was having contractions for hours? Even before I left the hospital that morning where I had been for a blood test I was already in labour. If I had stayed at the hospital or said something I might not be writing this now. I might be preparing for a first birthday party with baby sick in my hair. A little ginger monster toddling around and not sleeping for days on end. I was so worried about not being ready for a small person but I was so much more prepared for that than this.
So now I commemorate his all too short life on the anniversary of his death.
See you in heaven wee man
I didn't know my son had die either. The doctors think he had been gone for several days before the ultrasound when they discovered it. I don't know how I didn't know either. But I didn't.
ReplyDeleteI don't think a lot of us are ever fully prepared to be a first time parent. I wanted my baby but was so scared about being a bad parent, not having the right things, etc.
ReplyDeleteTry not to be too hard on yourself today.
Thinking of you always...