Thank you for visiting my blog. Please leave a message to say hello. If you are here because you or someone close to you has lost a child, you have my sympathy.

Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Now What?

A year...

I did think that I was doing well in the lead up to Griffin's birthday.  I cried a bit the day before but on the actual day, I felt ok.  Sad but also that I'd come so far that I thought I could put one foot in front of the other and keep on moving forward.  However, I'm slightly falling apart.  I had a really destructive turn on thursday (b-day+1) where I got really (really really) drunk and it must have brought something up because I've been off ever since.

To the point that I went to the walk-in mental health unit for help.  They were really good.  I should be getting counselling in the next few weeks and they said I can go back whenever.  I'm feeling a bit better by the mere fact that I've taken action and someone unrelated to me is taking how I feel seriously.

It's such an anti climax.  There's not much else to say.

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Angel Day

I never contemplated the possibility that my baby might die.  Even when I'd been told about having obstetric cholestasis, it was under control.  There was another couple of weeks before I was in the 'danger zone'.  I was taking the medication and scheduled for induction at 37 weeks.

I was worried about having an actual baby to look after, I was getting really stressed that I hadn't packed my hospital bag yet and about how I didn't have a car seat so I wouldn't be able to get him home.  I'd put off buying things cos I was overwhelmed about what to buy and was worried about spending too much money on stuff.  I was worried about the pain of labour and if I'd be able to breastfeed.  You can imagine the things I worried about but never at any point did not having a live baby.

Even at the point of being at the hospital, one midwife had been concerned about his heart rate, being whisked in for a scan and them saying that his heart didn't sound right.  Even when I asked if I should phone my husband and get him in and they said yes.  Being rushed down to labour ward.  I did think that they'd be taking him out quick smart but that he'd be alive.  I was really worried that he'd be ill, that he wasn't ready to be born, that he'd have to be in SCBU.  My baby sister was born dead at 29 weeks and resuscitated and is a happy healthy 10 year old now.  Babies don't just die.  Otherwise healthy babies don't just die.

I feel naive, that I should have realised that he was dead.  How can I have a dead person inside me and not know?  How could I not realise that I was having contractions for hours?  Even before I left the hospital that morning where I had been for a blood test I was already in labour.  If I had stayed at the hospital or said something I might not be writing this now.  I might be preparing for a first birthday party with baby sick in my hair.  A little ginger monster toddling around and not sleeping for days on end.  I was so worried about not being ready for a small person but I was so much more prepared for that than this.

So now I commemorate his all too short life on the anniversary of his death.

See you in heaven wee man

Saturday, 18 June 2011

Fathers Day

Fathers Day is less of an issue in our house than Mothers Day was.   As my husband says, 'i don't need a manufactured day every year to tell me i'm a dad'. He's not one for Hallmark Holidays.

He didn't see his father growing up so Fathers Day was never an aspect of his life until this year.

I also feel that it's eclipsed by its proximity to Griffin's birthday.

My dad didn't go in much for Fathers Day either so I figure we'll manage this one fine.

Tuesday, 14 June 2011

No More Firsts

Coming up to Griffin's birthday, the thing that gets me is that there are no more firsts.  Just seconds, thirds, fourths and so on for forever.  I feel like this is my last real chance to be allowed to mourn him.  After this there's nothing new.  Having dealt with it all once I should be able to manage it again.

It's been such a long long year, I can't believe it's only been a year but it's hard to comprehend that it's been a whole year without my baby.

I have the 21st (the day he died) and the 22nd (his birthday) off work, as does hubby.  We had real trouble deciding what to do for his birthday but have decided to fly kites with some friends in the park, have a picnic dinner.  On the 21st we are going to the local Sands group.  We haven't been yet, always putting it off or been working or busy in some other way but with this timing I think we have to.

We live too far from his grave to make a trip there.  To be honest I'm not sure if I'd want to.  I haven't been there since the day after the funeral.  I know he's safe and the grave is tended but I don't need to go there to know he's not here any more.  His constant absence is stronger that anything I could have imagined.

I was at a meeting this evening and a woman was mentioning that she had no time to herself as having a baby is just so constant.  My automatic response was 'well so's grief' with a shot of venom and jealousy for good measure.  I didn't say it but it was definitely loud in my head.  I don't like these responses in myself.  I had only just met her and she didn't know about Griffin.  Even if she did, it is constant having a baby and in that instance worth a mention.  I'm feeling much more sensitive about it all at the moment.  Hardly surprising I guess.

In a week, as well as mourning the loss of my son I'll be mourning the loss of his firsts.

By now we would have had a first word, first wave, first smile, first solid foods, first step, so many firsts I can't even imagine.

But now we have our final first, a birthday, anniversary, angel day.  I hardly know what to call it.

Monday, 13 June 2011

Not a Rare Condition

I had a comment on a previous post about my obstetric cholestasis(OC), about how rare it is.

This is a very popular misconception.  OC is not a rare condition, it affects 1 in 200 pregnancies.  This may sound like quite a small proportion but when you consider that roughly 1900 babies are born in the UK every day, it turns into quite a lot of people.  When you consider that it is routine to inject babies with vitamin K at birth which can prevent a brain bleed in 1 in 10,000 babies, we are prescribed antenatal vitamins with folic acid to prevent spina bifida which can occur in 1 in 1000 pregnancies, it seems unforgivable that OC, a relatively easy condition to control and manage, has such a low profile.

Having OC does not automatically lead on to a stillbirth, in a properly managed pregnancy the risks of stillbirth are the same as in a non OC pregnancy.  The important bit of that sentence is 'properly managed'.  If you do not know there is a problem you cannot take it to your healthcare professional and you cannot be 'properly managed'.  If your medical team ignore your concerns or are unaware of up to date research in the area, it cannot be 'properly' managed.

All the baby books and sites say that itching in pregnancy is normal.  It's the skin stretching.  It could be a symptom of a very rare condition that causes itching but will subside after birth.  (Lets play down the risks!!!)

The problem with OC is the lack of knowledge about it.  I have heard stories of women who have scratched the skin raw because of this itch and doctors have point blank refused to do the simple blood test that is required to diagnose it. 

They don't know why it causes stillbirth.  The stillborn babies have no detectable problems.  They just stopped living. In a post mortem it comes up as 'unexplained death'.  As they cannot as yet determine why OC causes stillbirth there are some people still (I'm talking consultant obstetricians here) who do not believe it does.

http://www.ocsupport.org.uk/   For further information.

Remember scratching can be more than just an itch.

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

Why do they ignore Unsubscribe?

How on earth am I STILL getting baby related emails?

I unsubscribe to every single one I get and have done for almost a year now.  Do they just ignore you?  There have been some that I emailed and explained the situation and yet I am still receiving them.  It was really upsetting for the first while but now I just get angry with them.