11 months 1 week
I've been better. With Griffin's birthday coming up soon, comparisons to this time last year are unavoidable. There doesn't seem to be a day goes by that I amn't hit by sadness. Normally out of the blue, just for a moment. Sometimes my eyes just leak. I don't feel especially sad but the tears won't stop.
I try to not control it too much. Let it run it's course and I'll be fine again in a bit. It's like I'm sailing on a calm sea and every so often it gets a bit choppy and I have to bail out water, it doesn't mean I'm sinking. The giant waves that completely engulf me are much fewer than they used to be. I still feel that I'll never be the same. I guess I never will be really. I'm on a much choppier ocean than I was before.
I can't stop thinking about him, what we went through together, what he would be doing now, how to commemorate his birthday. The world is full of reminders. I see him everywhere I go. More than I used to, I used to block out the memories as best I could before but I welcome them now. Even if they upset me. It's normally not for long and I like to think about him. The actual, physical, heart-wrenching pain of grief hardly visits any more. Again I don't imagine I'll ever be truly free from it but I know I can cope with it.
I can't believe it's been a year, yet it also feels like it was something that happened to a different person a very long time ago. I feel much more than a year older.
My husband and I talk about him alot. We take joy in the memories that we have of him and, in a bittersweet way, imagine what he would be like now and in the future. We talk of future children, but in a very abstract way. We're 'not avoiding' future pregnancies at this point but not actively trying. I don't think I'll be able to comprehend actually having a child until it's looking at me. It's a very abstract concept to me at the moment. It's almost like we have an imaginary child. In a way we do. All we have is projections of his personality from how he behaved in the womb combined with our hopes and dreams for him.
If someone asks if I have children I say no and it feels wrong to deny him but saying yes and explaining hurts more. I find it really difficult to be myself among people who don't know about him but difficult to tell people.
I do feel truly happy at times. Only today, I took real joy in spending time with my friends. Taking a walk to the garden centre and choosing some new plants for my herb garden.
It's been tough but I know who I can trust and rely on and I'm a stronger person now. I'm more philosophical about emotions in general, trying to realise and accept them and move on.