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Wednesday, 16 March 2011

The most common question I get asked now when this comes up in conversation is 'are you trying for another baby?'

Personally I think over stepping the mark for some people to be asking about my sex life.  My father especially.  You should have seen my husband's face when he asked that question over the dinner table.  The poor thing didn't know what to say.

I didn't realise how much of a hole he would leave in our lives, for never having breathed he was such a big presence.  I was desperate for a baby.  I understand how people are driven to steal babies.  It's easy to underestimate the instinctual need to nurture but it's all consuming.  For the last 8 months my body and mind had been building up to this point, it can't just be turned off.

The most difficult thing was hearing babies cry, it literally felt like being stabbed in the chest.  For 6 months I couldn't breathe if I was around upset babies.  Happy ones made me sad but in a completely different way.

Sunday, 13 March 2011

Finally got the meds on Friday afternoon and took them religiously over the weekend.  

I had a blood test at the hospital on Monday morning then went to Holborn to hand in my assessment at college.  By the time I got there I was in labour and got a taxi right back to the hospital.  I wasn't particularly worried at this point, well I was worried that I wasn't ready for the baby to come cos I didn't have a buggy or car seat to get him home from the hospital, but not for a second did I think there was anything wrong.

I got there and they did a scan and said that his heartbeat wasn't as strong as they would have liked so he would probably have to be born right then.  I phoned my husband and he started his way there but he works at the other side of London so would be at least an hour.  They whisked me down to labour ward and got the theatre ready for an emergency c-section but the consultant did a further scan and concluded that it was too late.  

I don't remember much from that point.  I remember trying to phone my mum and not being able to say it.  I had to get the Dr to tell her.  She got them to bring in her friend who's a midwife at the same hospital and she got there before my husband.  

He tells me that he was hoping that he'd turn up at the hospital to his baby but had a terrible feeling that it had all gone wrong.  

Both our mums managed to get there for the next morning so they saw him before we let him go.

In the immediate aftermath I didn't sleep for 5 days.  Not until I was given sleeping pills.

I don't know how I'm still alive to be honest.  I didn't feel alive for months.  I still don't sometimes but I find that life has a way of finding the chinks and making you feel.  Even if you don't want to.